Motherhood & Anxiety : My Story

I’ve thought about writing this for months. And I always felt like I couldn’t distill everything about my experience with anxiety and how it affected my parenting into a blog post. But when you become a mother, you have a newfound understanding of a collective experience that so many of us are going through : that being a mother can be deeply, deeply hard.

It recently being Mother’s Day, I finally felt the need to share my story — in hopes that even one mother feels more normal, more seen, and holds herself more compassionately through her own struggles. So, here’s my story of my battles with anxiety as a mom.

I have always been type A. This worked well for most of my life. It helped me find success within my work and careers, kept my home organized, and allowed me to tackle a hundred things at once, with relative ease. My schedule was packed, and I liked it that way. Then motherhood came like a tsunami into my life. It turned nearly everything I knew upside-down. It made things that came with ease so much harder. It weakened my bandwidth, scrambled my brain, and very early on, it set an enormous weight of pressure onto my shoulders.

One I know most mothers can relate to : the pressure to “do it right.”

I became obsessed with researching and implementing systems and ways of doing things that had me convinced would result in a “great baby” -- and thus, make me a “great mom.” I quickly started down the infinite wormhole so many new moms find themselves in…

I researched swaddles, bassinets, cribs, sleep training, baby-led weaning, the right mattress, the best way to introduce solids, which diapers had the least irritating chemicals in them, which lotion would solve his baby acne, which formula would be best for his belly, the best blackout curtains, sound machine, and pacifiers. The best parenting methods. The psychology of baby’s development. The best preschools in town. The ideal wake windows. Remedies for teething. What to do when they have a fever. What the best organic food options were. What are the best ways to encourage crawling? Walking? Running? Talking? Sign Language?

My phone became an endless avalanche of information around how to raise my son -- information that felt not just important, but ESSENTIAL, to digest and reproduce. And then alongside this obsessive researching and learning, came the intrusive thoughts.

What if I dropped him down the stairs? What if our nanny kidnapped him? What if he threw up in his sleep? What if the monitor ran out of batteries while we were asleep and didn’t notice? What if I traumatized him that one time I yelled at him? What if he’s watching too much tv? What if he’s not developing appropriately? What if he grows up to hate me? What if my mothering makes him a terrible person? They got darker than that. Way darker.

And so this was my brain. All day. All night. And it never stopped.

I was in a perpetual battle with my own mind, one that I was desperately losing. I turned angry, impatient, and ridiculously stringent. My partner bore the worst of it because all my unchecked anger released itself once the baby was asleep, onto him. I was always irritable because my head was a nightmare to live in. I was cracking the whip endlessly on myself and my husband, and both of us were feeling the damage. I had no outlet, and I wasn’t telling anyone how much I was actually suffering.

Until one day, it finally came to a head for me.

It was a little after our son turned one. I was dealing with non-stop racing thoughts, obsessions, lack of sleep, and at this point, chest pain and dizziness. I was holding on by a thread.

My husband and I had gotten into a bad fight that started because he set the baby down for his nap thirty minutes after I had told him to. It devolved into a lengthy argument, one we couldn’t see eye to eye on. Yet again, here we were, already exhausted from a long day of parenting, and having to deal with yet another disagreement.

He finally asked me, “Why did a 30-minute difference bother you SO much?”

I immediately started crying and said, “I wish I knew! Don’t you think *I* hate that it bothers me so much?! I hate being this way!” 

That’s when all the veneer of the strong, tough mom who could do it all fell crumbling to pieces. Sobbing, I started to explain to my husband how difficult it had been to live with my anxiety the past few months. I told him about my intrusive thoughts, my obsessions, and how I was now feeling physical symptoms (heart palpitations, feeling dizzy and faint) that were terrifying me.

I finally admitted to him, and myself, that I needed help. That this amount of anxiety wasn’t sustainable, despite the fact that I had normalized it and chalked it up to simply being a part of motherhood. I decided to finally drop the Perpetually Strong Woman act -- one that my mother and generations before her had instilled in me.

But unlike them, I had a choice. I had resources. I could help myself not feel this way anymore.

I made the decision to start therapy back up, and the even harder decision to talk to a doctor about getting on anxiety medication. This is the part that I know is so hard for most mothers -- most humans -- to do. To admit that we might not be able to ever really feel sane or happy without the aid of something outside of ourselves. We might inadvertently buy into this toxic, limiting belief that one should be able to manage and solve all her problems herself, and that asking for help, or taking a pill every day is a sign that you’re weak, or that you couldn’t have possibly done enough to help yourself. I know now that this is total and utter bullshit. It’s also keeping so many good, strong mothers from getting better, and the help they need.

If any of this sounds like you, and you’re a mother that is on the cusp of asking for help via therapy, medication, or both, this message is for you: BOOK THE APPOINTMENT TODAY.

As a therapist myself, I can confidently say that the best treatment for nearly every severe mental health issue is a combination of therapy and properly prescribed medication. As a human being who has ultimately reached for both in her darkest moments, I can confirm this.

After doing her due diligence, running bloodwork, and checking to make sure my body was healthy, my doctor prescribed a low dose of an antidepressant that helps with anxiety and sleep. A week or two into taking the meds, I felt a noticeable shift. No more intrusive thoughts before bed. No more heart palpitations. The obsessions and compulsions around my son dwindled down to manageable concerns. I stopped having dark thoughts about his safety (well, not totally. As a mom, you accept these will arise sometimes as part of the job). My patience and bandwidth for stress, mistakes, and daily hiccups increased dramatically. I was able to let things slide, to say, “I’ll just do that later” or “it’ll be fine.” I was able to be silly and relaxed and MYSELF, even on chaotic days.

Which if you’d known me when my anxiety was at its worst, is basically the equivalent to having a brain transplant.

Alongside the meds, I went back to my incredible therapist (also a mama, who is able to hold such wonderful space for me), and leaned deeply into my mom friends and community. I opened up more to them about my struggles, and the echoes of “me too!” and emotional validation came like a big, warm embrace.

But the most impactful and important change? I was finally actually able to be a better mother.

And this was when I realized that I had had it all wrong.

It wasn’t getting his sleep schedule or meals down to perfection that would make me a good mom. It wasn’t reading more parenting tips, or making my home non-toxic, or putting him on a waitlist for the best Montessori preschool. It wasn’t obsessing about whether his protein was organic, or if he was getting enough outdoor time.
It was showing up for him every day with patience and warmth, able to regulate myself and be there for him in the best way I could be. And I was able to do this when I gave myself permission to put MY peace first. THAT’S what made actually me a better mom.

So, if you’re a mother reading this and any of this resonates, please know you are not alone. You are part of a constellation of millions of us who also feel consumed at times by this thing called parenting. Who were sold the lie that this should be easy, natural, and fun. And while it can be that, at times, many, MANY times, it is not.

And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong.

It simply means you're entering a chapter in your life that is asking almost all of you to change.

And that is fucking hard.

Because one thing we’re *not* told enough is how insanely powerful, strong, and resilient mothers are. And that this intrinsic strength -- that mama bear energy that would rip apart anyone who dared try to hurt her child, the one who went through the gauntlet of pregnancy, birth, and labor to get here -- always lives inside you.

AND. And, and, and!

It’s also okay to not do it alone.

Make the appointment. Reach out to your loved ones. Find a mom community. Ask for help.

And please remember, my sweet mama, that what that baby needs most in this world, above all things, is a well taken care of mother.

This is the story of how my yoga journey began…

I vividly remember when I made the decision to do my first yoga teacher training…

It was 2013, and I had been practicing at Wanderlust for about a year when I mentioned to Ashley — the owner and wearer of many hats at the studio — that I thought I wanted to become a teacher. But wasn’t sure where. Wanderlust didn’t have any trainings back then, as it was early on into their opening. I remember she excitedly pulled me aside and semi-whispered, “We’re actually going to do a training soon! It hasn’t been announced yet, but you should wait for it! It’s going to be amazing!” By that point, Wanderlust had already become my second home. I loved the classes, the atmosphere, and the amazing teachers. I wanted to dive in deep with THIS family, and within the four walls of a place that felt deeply nurturing.

And so I waited.

In no time, the program was announced — their very first 200hr teacher training, headed by the incredible Gioconda Parker and Kula Yoga teacher Erin Dudley. I registered immediately. I had the privilege to pause work for a month and dove ALL THE WAY IN. A month-long immersion, with 8+ hour days and only Sunday’s off. We lived, breathed, talked, and embodied yoga. The “big studio” at Wanderlust became another home, my all-woman class a second family. Our teachers became mother figures, and beacons of light as we sailed into the depths of everything that yoga is. I collected some injuries — of both the body and the heart. I was humbled many, many times.

One of my clearest memories is sitting cross-legged on the studio floor crying. One of my teachers pulled me in, knee-to-knee, to hold me as I broke down in exhaustion and frustration on a particularly hard day of training.

2014 : My training sisters and I goofing off at Krause Springs

For a girl who was a little bit of a know-it-all, yoga brought me to my knees over and over again. I quickly realized that there was an ocean of knowledge out there… and I was holding about a tea cup’s worth.

I learned how to move my body with integrity, strength, and love. I learned the history and mythology that was foundational to this lineage. I learned the ancient language of Sanskrit, how to create intelligent sequences, and how to hold space for my students compassionately and safely. I learned how to speak to a room with purpose and clarity. I learned how to walk in front of a class, and peel back the protective layers of posturing to reveal who I actually was.

My religious skepticism and jaded view of the spiritual world was replaced with awe, wonder, and a heartfelt connection to the divine. It took yoga to show me that I wasn’t actually a skeptic to a higher power — my heart had just not been introduced to its own definition of God.

And I know that all sounds very magical and blissful. But here’s the truth: the process of being trained in this lineage is no walk in the park. It tests every part of you — physical, emotional, and mental. It challenges you and rips you wide open. It turns you towards what you’ve been looking away from. It shows you just how much your edges can grow, but you need to be willing to let go and shed off the old definitions of who you are. Yoga reminds you daily that the walking-on-coals feeling you get after a rigorous day is always met with deep satisfaction. You learn at breakneck speeds. You form relationships deeper than you’d imagine.

And, oh my God, do you GROW.

2014 : My first teaching gig — 0 - 10 people in a rented room above some downtown shops

This training changed my life. It set me on a course towards living out one of my deepest passions. Towards a life of constant self-study. Towards a relationship with spirituality that this skeptical, ex-Catholic could have never fathomed. It sparked a curiosity so insatiable that it sent me to Bali, India, and across the US to feed my hunger for more yoga. And it also showed me how to hustle my butt off. I learned how to make the right moves within the yoga industry in order to build strong upward momentum in my career path.

I went from a completely new teacher to one who leads workshops, trainings, and crowds of hundreds of people in less than five years.

Ego-boosting aspects aside, yoga also healed my body, my anxiety, and most importantly, my relationship with myself. It made true self-love possible for me.

2019 : my largest class to date — leading over 600 yogis on the lawn of Republic Square park for Wanderlust Yoga — I’m the teeny blip in yellow leggings all the way to the left side

If you’re reading this and something within you is stirring — a little voice saying “yes, I want this, too” — all I’ll say is LISTEN TO IT. It was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. And now, over a decade after I first stepped on a yoga mat, I still stand by that. And here I am, coming full-circle as I take on facilitating the next teacher training at the very studio where I embarked on my own yoga journey.

Ready to dive in with me?

The newest YTX 200hr Vinyasa Teacher Training begins in March 2023!

A weekends-only training, led by a diverse group of Austin’s most experienced teachers — all within the walls of one of the country’s most recognized yoga studios.

Let’s do this, yogis. Your Future Self will be endlessly grateful.

Mine sure was.

Riding Out the Storm

I have been feeling the pressure to share some “tools” with y’all.

I see other therapists, wellness advocates, yoga teachers, and the like all offering so many services to cater to our anxiety and stress right now — which immediately made me feel like I should too.

Do I launch a program? Upload some extra classes or meditations? Get on IG Live and talk about how to handle this?

None of these felt right, to be honest. Not because I don’t resonate with those things, but because I was dealing with what is happening in the world right now myself. I needed time to integrate. And, to be honest, I wasn’t quite yet in the headspace to be creative or even productive. I needed time on my couch, some bad TV, quality talks with my husband, friends, and family, and lots of sleep.

Today felt like the first day I wanted to share. But I wanted to share in the way that felt MINE. And that was through my writing, and after a week or so of reflection.

Here’s what I’ve learned in the first week of dealing with the COVID-19 epidemic, which was also my first week of helping my clients through the chaos — along with some ideas on how to help navigate the fear.

1. EVERYONE IS SCARED. No one is exempt from this, not even the people who seem to be super productive or super chill. We are all collectively scared because not-knowing is a breeding ground for fear within every human. So when you see others looking like they’re “handling this so well” also remember that…

2. EVERYONE HANDLES FEAR DIFFERENTLY. Some of us handle it by laughing at coronavirus memes. Some of us need to cry three times a day. Some of us need to go outside or drink some wine or call our moms. Some of us go on a manic cleaning spree and wipe down the entire house with Clorox (guilty as charged). Let yourself off the hook — if just for now — on what the “right” way to handle this is.

3. In other words, BE EASY ON YOURSELF. You may have a day where you do three online workouts, clean out your pantry, read twelve chapters of a book, and cook a three-course meal. You may also have a day where you literally only leave your couch to pee and eat. Both are perfectly valid.

4. WE TRULY ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. Although we may be socially isolated, I’ve never experienced any other situation that has made me feel like the human race is truly so deeply connected. The love that is pouring forth, the collective fear that is being felt and tended to, and the compassion that is being demonstrated has shown me — more than anything else — that we truly are each other’s brothers and sisters.

5. IT’S OKAY TO ENJOY THE REST. Yes, it’s under terrible circumstances, but you feeling guilty that you get paid leave from work or extra couch time doesn’t change what is going on. Collectively, we are being given a chance to slow down — and so many of us were in desperate need of that. So, it’s okay to soak it in and feel a bit of relief from the hustle.

6. FIND CONNECTION HOW YOU CAN. Check in with your loved ones, text friends, FaceTime your grandparents, call your friends who live alone. Social distancing does not have to equal isolation. We need the support of our people more than ever, especially if you’re riding this storm out by yourself.

7. MOVE YOUR BODY. The best way to shift your energy is to do something that moves it through physically. Feeling depressed and sluggish? Put on a good playlist and dance. Feeling anxious or restless? Stream a restorative yoga class. Feel angry or confused? Scream into a pillow or punch your mattress. Physically moving the emotion through actually helps it dissipate. Not taking action and marinating in your anxious thoughts does the opposite.

8. REMEMBER TO BREATHE. This seems obvious, but focused breathwork is one of the most effective ways to calm an anxious nervous system. Here are two of the simplest ways to do this:

   • BOX BREATHING: Inhale for a count of 4 seconds, hold it in for 4 seconds, exhale for 4 seconds, and then hold out for 4 seconds. Repeat ten times. Increase or decrease the amount as needed.

   • 4-7-8 BREATHING: Inhale for a count of 4, hold for 7 seconds, exhale for 8. Repeat ten times.

9. KEEP SOME NORMALCY IN YOUR ROUTINE. Sure, sleep in or stay up a little later, but don’t disrupt your usual routine too much. Keep making your coffee, take lunch breaks away from the computer, keep exercising, keep watching that show you started or working on that project you have going on. Keeping a sense of normalcy in your day will help you feel a bit more in control, and keep your mind from spiraling into worst-case scenarios.

10. BE COMPASSIONATE WITH YOURSELF. Don’t try to push away the feelings of anger, confusion, fear, or stress. Instead, acknowledge them with gentle compassion. When you feel them arise, put a hand over your heart (or wherever you hold stress) and say out loud in a gentle voice, “What I am feeling is normal and okay, and it will pass soon. I am here for you. I love you.” This combined with breathwork can help shift your energy to a calmer state, without having to deny anything you are feeling. And if this triggers a need to cry or scream or write, let yourself.

We are all riding this storm out together, and absolutely no one has the recipe on how to do it “right.” The thing I catch myself saying most these days to my clients (and myself) is that the unknown is scary, and you have every right to feel this way. But know that there are millions of humans feeling the same. Which means, you aren’t alone — and we will get through this together. Human beings always have.

I hope some of the things above will help your heart find some peace, and I am wishing you safety, health, and pockets of normalcy — I can’t wait for all of us to gather in the sunshine again.

And for hugs to be okay again :)

Ferny

My Super-Simple Meditation Tips

MEDITATION — WHY IS IT SO HARD?!

Because our minds are made to problem-solve. They were created to see something that needs fixing, and come up with how to fix it. Back in the caveman days, this worked just fine for us.

Big toothed predator coming my way? RUN.

Almost out of food? GO HUNT.

Night’s getting cold? FIND SHELTER.

Nowadays, it looks more like…

Am I making enough money? I DON’T THINK SO.

Does this person like me? WHO THE HECK KNOWS.

Am I doing enough for my health? MAYBE, MAYBE NOT.

What’s the meaning of life? (?????)

And, to all of these modern problems, there are either A ZILLION OR ZERO SOLUTIONS. Meaning our brains go on a tailspin of scenario after scenario, until we’re stuck in an endless web of anxiety + overthinking. And the minute we try to force our genius minds to stop problem solving, they rebel. Why? Because they simply aren’t used to it.

Which is exactly why meditation is so HARD, but also so NECESSARY. 

In order to give our brains + bodies space to reset, recuperate, and settle the constant waves of habitual thoughts, it is necessary for us to make space for SILENCE.

So, how to start?

Here’s are my SUPER-SIMPLE TIPS for setting up a consistent meditation practice — or as my teacher Janet Stone likes to call it, SITTING (this takes the pressure off of it being anything other than a quiet, still space to yourself.)

• CREATE A SACRED SPACE : it can be as simple as a little pillow in the corner of your room, to a beautiful altar filled with all your favorite spiritual items. Just create a space that is always there, waiting for you to arrive.

• START SLOW + EASY : begin with five minutes of quiet sitting, while taking slow, deep breaths. Count to ten as you breathe (“one” on the inhale, “two” on the exhale, and so on). Then start over at ten, until your five minutes is up. Increase a couple of minutes per week if you’re ready for a longer sit.

• SIT AT THE SAME TIME, EVERY DAY : not a morning person? Sit at sunset. Too tired after work? Wake up five minutes earlier and do it sitting up in bed before you get up. Choose the best time for your lifestyle.

• TRACK YOUR PROGRESS : you can use apps like Headspace or Insight Timer for this, or a simple paper calendar. The positive feedback we get once we see our progress moving along can encourage you to keep the practice going. Or remind you to come back to your cushion if it’s been too long.

Your practice will evolve as you do — it might become longer, include mantras or mala beads, and maybe become an entire sacred ritual that your day can’t be without. But starting is the HARDEST PART. We all start somewhere, and beating yourself up about how long or how often you do it doesn’t serve us in any way. 

Instead, just begin. Again and again and again. Maybe today is your day.

Doing Your Shadow Work

What parts of you are you MOST ASHAMED of?

Hard question to answer honestly, I know. But this is the very beginning of doing SHADOW WORK. Shadow work is meeting the parts of you that are the scariest to confront. The goal of shadow work is integrate all parts of you — to create a holistic acceptance of who you are. The REAL challenge of this work shows up when we realize that this involves accepting the parts that we LEAST want to own…

Our repressed anger.

Our boiling resentment.

Our cutting judgement of others.

Our dark wishes to hurt or harm.

Our deeply embedded shame.

Our hidden sexuality.

These are our shadow selves. What we define as our dark, dirty, inferior, and disowned parts — parts we’ve stuffed so back into our subconscious that it’s easy to live life as if they aren’t there.

But they are.

And as long as they go ignored, they are playing an unconscious part in your life, who you are, and how you show up in relationships. Whatever you deny in yourself, you’ll deny in others — meaning big-time PROJECTION that might deeply harm your ability to connect with others, and finding yourself always blaming others and the world for your suffering. Projection is when we unconsciously transfer our own desires or emotions or self-hatred to another person. So, when the shadow self is working unconsciously, it is infiltrating our relationships, making us have negative emotional reactions to people who either have a similar shadow side, or who have learned to work with it. It’s almost like we’re recognizing our own inability to manage our shadow and we feel frustrated by another person’s progress with it. This is all a subconscious process, and usually just shows up looking like an exaggerated emotional reaction that doesn’t fit the circumstances (e.g. angry outbursts, isolation, pushing people away, etc.)

Learning to meet these parts — through tough, but liberating emotional work — is essential if we want to FULLY embrace all that we are, heal our relationships, and move forward without our subconscious, shadowy baggage bleeding into our behavior. We must acknowledge and ultimately welcome in all of it — the good, the bad, the angel, and the demon.

Below, I’ve listed some questions from the book “The Dark Side of Light Chasers” which will help start your own personal shadow work:

1. What am I most afraid of?

2. What aspects of my life need transforming?

3. What am I most afraid of that someone else will find out about me?

4. What am I most afraid of in finding out about myself?

5. What’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told myself?

6. What’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told someone else?

7. What could stop me from doing the work necessary to transform my life?

Try a short, grounding breathing exercise (like ten deep belly breaths, exhaling through your nose) first, and then carefully read each question, giving yourself a minute to ponder your response and taking your time. Then, you can journal your answers, and start to build self-awareness around who your shadow parts are, and what they are connected to. I also highly recommend picking up the entire book to continue the work, either on your own, or in tandem with a therapist.

By bringing your shadow to the light, we learn to embrace ourselves fully, to let go of shame, embarrassment, or doubt, and to completely accept ALL our parts, so that they may work as an empowered collective, rather than shattered pieces.

Happy shadow hunting, friends.

What is Ancestral Healing?

From what I’ve learned, ancestral healing can be done in different modalities and have different approaches. Ranging from gathering knowledge around who your ancestors were and your family constellations, to working with mediums to help communicate with those in your family who have passed. I’ve done both.

And in the short time I’ve been doing this work, the amount of life-altering information that came through was astonishing.

I learned why certain behavior patterns are ingrained in me, how certain trauma from my female ancestors still reflects itself in me, and how to heal some of these inter-generational issues. It connected dots for me that never made sense, or that had gone completely unnoticed. I started seeing the patterns, the connections between me and all the women who came before me.

And now, I am getting the information I need to heal…

To be the one who finally BREAKS THE CHAIN.

Almost always, my clients are women who are ready to break free from the patterns of THEIR families — to stop repeating the same cycles and heal themselves — before they have their own children.

They show up ready to start the work — after hundreds of years of inherited female trauma — of beginning a brand new chapter. They’re sick of old patterns coursing through the bloodlines of the women in their family, and they’ve seen how destructive they can be.

They show up fully awake and aware of these patterns. They show up ready to dig deep and make a change. It’s made me believe strongly that this generation of women is here to heal the wounds our mothers, grandmothers, and all those beyond couldn’t. Not because they didn’t want to. But because, for the first time ever, women have the resources to do this work at their fingertips. We have access to therapy, spiritual healing, and education that not even our mothers had. We are the generation that can stop the trauma from going down into one more generation.

So, how can you start the work?

Begin simply, by making a family tree that includes everyone up until your grandparents (or great-grandparents if you have access to that information). Then, next to each person, write down any and all traumas they endured. This includes everything from being in a war, to being killed or dying young, to losing a child, having an abortion or miscarriage or traumatic birth experience, experiencing any type of abuse, neglect, or addiction, being in a accident or seriously ill — anything that may have rocked their world, write it down.

They just observe it all with a wide lens.

Are there patterns there? Does something keep repeating itself within your family line? Do you feel oddly linked to a family member, and have never been sure why? This simple exercise might give you the answer.

Intergenerational trauma is when we experience the symptoms of someone else’s trauma — a family member who came before us. It can be unexplained panic attacks or phobias or irrational fears. And until we do some digging, we can’t ever explain why we feel this way.

As you work on creating your family tree, see if anyone in your family might have experienced something similar to what you’re feeling. Maybe you have an unexplainable fear of water, but have never experienced anything traumatic relating to it. Check and see if anyone in your family has every drowned, or lost someone to drowning. Did someone have an accident in the water?

This work can apply to any symptom you feel doesn’t REALLY begin with you.

You can then choose to work with a trained therapist to help understand and shift these irrational fears. To begin sending messages to your subconscious that this isn’t your fear to hold anymore. That it doesn’t do you any good to keep holding it. Begin to reprogram through visualization, meditations, thought-shifting, and even taking actual physical practices to break the fear cycle.

A perfect place to start is by reading the book “It Didn’t Start with You” by Mark Wolynn. It gives you the science-backed explanation on how intergenerational trauma can affect us, and how to begin working on it on your own, through specific exercises and journal work.

Remember, you are never locked into your family patterns. It will require steady, consistent work and facing hard truths, but you have the capacity to clear the old — and thus begin a new, healthier, more aligned way of living.

The beautiful woman in the photo above is my grandmother, Aurora, from my mother’s side. We lovingly called her Abuelita Bola. She is my guardian and my guide — and a reminder of the long lineage of powerful women that I come from. I never knew her as a child, since she passed right before I was born. But discovering she was my guide, through the help of some spiritual healers, I began asking more questions about her and her life. And it led me to make a beautiful connection with a woman who, although I never met on the physical plane, I now deeply feel as a part of my life and healing.

This picture sits on my altar to remind me every day that I am being guided and protected.

To doing the work for the women who came before us who couldn’t.

Ferny

A Silent Exchange

I think a lot about the day this picture was taken. It was on a cliff at the edge of the sea in Esalen, Big Sur, while doing my 300-hour yoga teacher training this past summer. And the story behind it is one of my favorites.

My friend, photographer, and fellow trainee, Nina, and I were scheduled to do a photo shoot while at Esalen, and Janet (our teacher) surprised us — as she often does — by announcing the day before that the next day would be our 24 hours of silence. I remember Nina and I just looking at each other from across the practice room with wide eyes. How the heck are we going to have a silent photoshoot?? We chatted afterwards, and I have Nina to thank for calming my nerves, saying we’d figure it out, but also making a hard commitment to the silence (since we could’ve cheated a little and talked since no one would’ve been around for the shoot). So I trusted that it would all unfold as it should. I kinda had to.

And with that, the next morning, our day of silence began. We were given a whole free day to do whatever we wanted, which was a huge luxury considering we spent almost every day in training, without much free time to play. The rules were we had to wear our “In Silence” lanyard around our necks so other Esalen guests would know not to engage in conversation, and we obviously couldn’t talk at all, to anyone. We were also encouraged to not read or listen to music, and instead take the time to be reflective. So, the next morning I woke up late, relishing in not having to be up at 5:15am. I went down to the dining hall for my usual breakfast of oatmeal, prunes, granola, and a hard boiled egg. A couple of my friends from the group were there, but most had already been up and around. Those who I did see there, we just ate quietly, while shooting little smiles at each other.

I went up to our space to practice my Morning Nine sun salutations, and then went up to the baths to soak in silence, with my sweet friend Ashlee soaking silently next to me. Remember you saw that pelican flock? The beauty of Esalen is that there not only isn’t very much Wifi (only after mealtimes, and we weren’t allowed to be on our phones that day anyway) but there’s also NO signal. Phones become obsolete, useless, and a blockage between you and the beauty of this land and the people it holds. So the options on what to do with yourself are incredibly and wonderfully limited — you do some yoga, you eat, you soak in a tub, you sit on the lawn, you watch the sunset, you talk with your new friends, you read, you go to bed. This truly was probably the biggest gift this place gave me — space to truly connect by peeling away everything that wasn’t part of my present-moment experience.

So then I went to my favorite little spot — the little “dock” on the big lawn, which was just a couple of planks of wood in the middle of the grass. And so I laid in the Big Sur sun, and drew and journaled and thought about life and thought about nothing. It was amazing.

Evening came, and it was time for our shoot. Nina signed to me to follow her and we walked down the winding paths, across the bridge, all the way to a little DO NOT PASS sign (we passed) that led to the rocks by the ocean. We promptly hopped over the fence and made our way down the cliff. As we got onto the rocks and began the shoot, she signed to me to relax, to smile, to breath, to just close my eyes and soften — all the cues I needed to shake off all of the awkwardness I felt taking photos, with the added weirdness of absolutely no talking happening. She wrote down for me to think of my favorite mudra and what it invokes in my heart, and that’s when it all just began to unfold.

We got into the flow. With Nina’s amazing (silent) direction, we got some of my most favorite yoga shots I’ve ever taken. And as we wrapped up, both of us a little damp and salty, we started our quiet trek back to the grounds. I remember feeling so happy on that walk back, knowing those photos would hold something especially magical. That shared silent interaction showed me the huge power of sharing an experience without filler — just raw, pure, clear moments with an incredible soul surrounded by the sounds of the sea. I feel like our friendship grew after that experience, and it’s really funny to think that that happened without one word being exchanged.

The entire day taught me about the power of truly just being with yourself, and how deeply this can calm the heart and open up insights to ourselves we would’ve never accessed amidst the chaos, noise, and one thousand distractions of our everyday lives. Our internal landscape is a beautiful, messy place, and the practice of observing this part of ourselves through silence is powerful, to say the least.

Thank you, Nina, for sharing this experience with me (and the incredible photos). Thank you, Janet, for creating this container of silence, and always encouraging us past our comfort zones. And thank you, Esalen, for making every single day on your grounds a magical one.

I guess a photo is worth a thousand words, even one taken in silence.

Old Habits Die Hard

Samskara is a Sanskrit word for our old, well-known grooves, loops, cycles or mental patterns that reinforce different behaviors in our lives, both positive and negative.

They can be responsible for holding us hostage to a way of being that is harmful to our mental and physical health. Our samskaras feel familiar, like old friends, and because of this we resist letting them go — even if we see with undeniably clarity that what we are doing isn’t serving us (and even potentially harming those around us).

As a therapist, I see that these samskaras are what clients feel like they are constantly battling against; the old and well-worn way of being vs. the new, uncomfortable, and very foreign change lying in front of them. What can we arm ourselves with as we begin such an uphill battle? One of my favorite authors, and fellow combination yoga teacher + psychologist, Bo Forbes, writes on a seven-step process we can commit to if we are wanting to reevaluate and release ourselves from old, detrimental cycles:

Intention: be clear on what you want

• create daily or weekly intentions. Remain clear on how you want to live your life, even for just today. Enter each new situation feeling clear about what you value, so that your actions and decisions can reflect that.

Tapas: dedication and commitment to the daily work

• stick to it, even when (and ESPECIALLY) when it gets difficult. Trust that you are resilient, strong, and that fearful thoughts are a whole lot of bark without much bite. Show up every single day, in big or little ways. And remember that even a small step is still better than none.

Shani: slowing down, pausing, and creating a chance to look inward

• take time to check in with yourself, be it through meditation, journaling, or a simple 5 minute walk outside alone. Without this, we can't expect ourselves to know how to approach our emotions. We need to know what we're dealing with first in order to know how to make it better. How can you create space for you to look inward in a regular basis?

Vidya: awareness of both mind and body

• Yoga is a create channel for this. Create practices that build awareness. Get in touch with your emotions through therapy, journaling, meditation, or vulnerable conversations with people you trust. Start to notice your patterns, write them down, and get familiar with the way you work. Also, move your body in a way that connects you with it. Drop out of your thinking mind often through physicality.

Abhaya: fearlessness, diving into the unknown by letting go of the familiar

• TAKE. THE LEAP. Stop debating. Your heart knows already what is good for you, what you need. So stop doubting your capabilities to persevere through it. The best day to start anything is TODAY.

Darshana: vision; visualization of the new pattern we want to create

• Do regular visualizations of the life you want to create. See yourself in that place. What are you wearing? Who is around you? Where are you doing it? Get clear with every little detail, and do this often. 

Abhyasa: practice, practice, practice — so as to strengthen our new way of being

• Stick with the practices. The more you commit, the quicker you will feel a shift. This one is the easiest concept to grasp, but the hardest to follow through with. Be gentle with yourself on the days you fail, but remind yourself sweetly to step BACK on the path tomorrow.

Pretty simple stuff, right? I’m kidding. But the path is there. Oftentimes, when faced with the reality that we can no longer continue living life in a particular way, we say, “But I don’t KNOW how to be any other way.” It’s not that you don’t know how, it’s that you’re choosing to not explore the unknown. You’ve let fear chain you down by the ankles, not realizing that you actually have the key that sets you free in your hands. With the chains loose, where will you go? Yes, this can be a scary question. But it can also be incredibly liberating. The path is yours to forge, and that first step will always be the most difficult. But committing to action (even the tiniest one) can get the machine moving in a direction we had never even dreamed of being available for us. One that is freeing, authentic, and totally aligned with who we actually WANT to be.

The choice to change is ALWAYS yours. No, it’s definitely not easy. Yes, it can be incredibly challenging and terrifying at times. But will it be worth it once you emerge on the other side?

Well, you already know the answer to that.

{ Read more on the seven steps for transforming samskaras by Bo Forbes in the article linked here. }

Insecurities & Finding Freedom

Photograph by nina konjini

When I think about the times I feel like I’m embodying my most authentic self, I immediately think of when I've led a large yoga class. Even though I usually still feel nervous beforehand, once the class begins, this big burst of joy washes over me and I step right into confidence. It may be seeing so many people participating in a practice that has changed my life. It might be that I feel like I’m living my dharma of spreading healing to the masses. It may be the thought that at least a few people will come out feeling better than when they first walked in (and I want to think that it’s more than a few!) It’s likely a combination of all of that, but for me, it holds a deeper significance...

~

When I was in middle school I was the most insecure little girl you’d ever met. I was really small, thin as a rail, had giant teeth, with a spacer that gave me a lisp and a huge gap tooth for months. I had really nasty experiences with girls who constantly excluded me, either through not inviting me to things or saying secrets I couldn't hear right in front of my face. I got teased for being flat-chested — by boys, which just reconfirmed my belief that I was completely unattractive to the opposite sex. I even had one boy tell me the only reason he dated me was because of a bet with his friends (ouch). I went from being an energetic, outspoken little girl, who at one point had been told she was TOO talkative in school, to one who’d hide in her room reading or drawing to try and drown out the deep insecurity she was feeling. At family gatherings, I’d never want to talk to people, much less dance or sing (and with a giant Mexican family, you can guess how that went over with everyone). I receded into myself, and was silenced by my peers and a culture that kept telling me that who I was was not even close to worthy. I was lucky enough to have a family who always encouraged me to be me, but it wasn't enough to break through the other messages I kept receiving every time I walked into the classroom or the party or the girl's bathroom.

I found my voice again in high school, thanks to an incredible group of female friends. We were each other’s biggest supporters, always by each other’s sides. We laughed hard, knew how to have the MOST fun, yet also held each other during our times of pain, heartache, boy troubles, and even really intense loss. I was made to feel like I was valued again for who I actually was, and I re-found my voice. These girls encouraged me to be myself (they still do!) and so I slid back to that original Me -- the big, loud version of myself. 

Only this time she was fueled by a lot of bottled-up anger.

Yes, I was bubbly and opinionated again. I was super-social and unafraid to speak my truth (I was voted Most Spirited in high school, and wasn't even a cheerleader, if that's any indicator to my energy levels at the time lol).  I was the first one to plan the parties, make the playlists, and mix up the vodka Gatorades. But I also had no idea how to moderate it. My temper would explode out of nowhere, usually with those I loved the most, like my father or my boyfriends at the time. And when it wasn't anger, it was hysterical sadness. Giant fits of crying that would make my mom think her daughter was losing it, and that would sometimes end in fruitless attempts at self-harm (thankfully). Every emotion was BIG. And I had no clue how to reel it in.

So, as one does, I kept growing up. I naturally matured out of some of this, but for the most part, still had an incredibly difficult time managing my anger and my insecurity. I would still believe that I wasn't pretty, smart, or cool enough, and then that would make me angry. It was a volatile cycle that reared up any time I'd feel less than great or my capabilities were questioned -- which in your twenties, you can imagine that's quite often.

Enter yoga. This won't be my "How Yoga Changed My Life" story, that's another blog post, but needless to say, the practice (and I mean much more than just the asana) began to give me new perspective and insight on how to find self-acceptance. Coupled with the education I was receiving in my counseling program, I began to find tools to help find the REAL me:

Self-inquiry and exploration of my patterns.

Questioning my belief system (especially the negative ones).

Writing my feelings so I could transmute them into something healing.

Treating my body in a way that reconnected me to its power and beauty.

Practicing self-love every single time I looked in the mirror. Practicing it more when I least believed it.

Spending time with people who loved me, valued me, and who taught me how to better myself.

Cutting away those who didn't.

Reading books that reconnected me to my dharma.

Praying. Meditating. Singing. Dancing. Chanting mantra.

Silence.

Being of service to others.

Trusting that I am capable.

And countering the self-critic with self-compassion as often as humanly possible.

So, I slowly began to find the Real Me. Not the quiet, shutdown me. Not the giant-ball-of-fire me. But the one that lived somewhere in-between, that didn't allow insecurities to sway her like a tiny boat in the ocean. Yoga and therapy (my own work, and my work with others) helped me figure out what my most authentic Self is. It also has taught me how to work on peeling away the old layers that no longer served in my journey to connect with her. This version of me did have something to say, but oftentimes the middle school part still felt terrified to share it. Or the angry part of me wanted to blow people away with it.

Now knowing this, I learn every day that stepping into this work of finding the sweet spot between the two is the only way I am going to set myself free from these old stories, and from identifying myself to one or the other. 

I know my work is to stay in this place of letting myself be seen for ALL THAT I AM: energetic, opinionated, outspoken, and yes, sometimes loud. But also, kind, knowledgable, peaceful, and definitely fallible.

Because living the opposite of that would be living at my very lowest vibration. One full of fear and insecurity and self-deprecation and squeezing myself into a box that wasn’t designed for me. And who the hell wants that? 

~

So how does this tie into teaching a big yoga class? Because I want my middle school Me to see current Me doing what I do now, and to be proud. To see how I am putting myself in a position where I am FULLY seen and heard by hundreds at a time, and that I’m not scared anymore. I want her to see how far we’ve come. That she doesn’t need to be afraid anymore. That our worth doesn’t come from external validation or how other people see us. That she can breathe easy knowing that I will keep being strong for the both of us. That the only way to tear apart those old stories is to step into the fire of discomfort with courage and trust in myself.

I want to tell her, "Look! I'm doing it!"

I still get really, really insecure. That little girl is still there, worried we’re going to be judged or excluded. But doing more of the things that push me to be courageous, to be seen and heard, to trust my own knowledge and talents, and to know it’ll always be okay no matter what, is how I've learned to move through that fear.

It’s daily work. It’s hard work. Its overwhelming and messy and sometimes makes me want to go hide in my room and cry, just like when I was eleven. And sometimes I do. But with every time I choose to meet this insecurity with understanding rather than criticism, I have a little win. 

So my goal isn’t to be a person free from insecurity — I’m human after all. My goal is to have as many little wins a day as possible. To step into my authentic self, even when I’m terrified. To meet that fear with compassion, then step into courage. 

And to make sure that little girl knows every day how incredibly valued and deeply, deeply loved she is.

The Beast vs. Your Compassionate Self

Last weekend, I had the lovely opportunity to lead a yoga + women’s circle for @hellomytribe and an incredible group of women, many of whom were new moms.  Our night was themed around self-care, and thus intrinsically, self-compassion. 

Before yoga, I had the women answer three questions:

What are you ready to let go of?

What are you ready to make room for / cultivate?

How is this in service to loving yourself more?

After a fluid vinyasa practice, we settled in to ask ourselves some questions about how we approached self-care. We addressed the issue everyone (especially a women trying to do everything) faces: tackling The Beast. The Beast is the part of you that criticizes everything — your decision to spend money on a massage, to leave your kid while you go to yoga, the one who says you’re never going to be as good as that perfectly put-together mom you follow on Instagram. The Beast is mean; it is the part of you that squashes your attempts to follow your gut and do what you know is best. So how do we fight the Beast?

This is where your Compassionate Self comes in. Your Compassionate Self is the part of you that encourages taking good care of your body, mind, and soul, through practices you know you need and plenty of rest. Your Compassionate Self loves you unconditionally; she never criticizes, but instead tells you to stop being so hard on yourself. To be grateful for all you have. And that you deserve that extra hour of sleep or that session with your therapist that you’ve been putting off (regardless of who it inconveniences). 

Through guided imagery, I had the women envision their Compassionate Self, and what they would say when their current self told them about the problems they’ve been struggling with. What would this loving, kind, and patient part of you say? How would she encourage you to embody self-love? How would she remind you that you’re beautiful, worthy, and deserve all the best? After a quiet moment with their Compassionate Self, the women wrote down what this part had told them. And all the answers were somewhat similar:

“This problem won’t matter at all in the long run.”

“You’re stronger than you think, and you’re going to be okay.”

“You don’t need to be the perfect version of a woman — what you are right now is pretty damn good.”

“I love you. No matter what.”

Not only were we all encouraged by the messages given to us by our Compassionate Self, but we realized that this part of us ALWAYS EXISTS. It’s not some made up part of you because you did an exercise; that’s just how we tap into it. It’s a part of you that has always lived within you, and always will. We just need to call on her more often. We need to pay attention to her quiet and kind voice. We need to listen to what she has to say, when the Beast is loudly beating us down. We need to pause for long enough for her to come through. Because her message has the potential to not just make us feel better, but to save us.

As with most things, tapping into compassion is a practice. And when it comes to fighting self-criticism, it will likely be a practice that you’ll be doing for the rest of your life. But it’s a practice that is strengthened with each time we do it. And slowly, but surely, we can make our Compassionate Self become just as strong as our Beast… or maybe, just maybe, even stronger.

So, like I told the women that night, as we all bonded over the human condition of always striving to be our best selves: The Beast might always have the first word, but he doesn’t need to have the last.

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Want to do this meditation for yourself? Click here for the guided imagery audio for tapping into your Compassionate Self.